EXPERT Q&A

Unlike the seamless Thanksgiving miracles depicted on Hallmark TV programs, real life often involves frantic last-minute grocery runs, burnt turkeys and the juggling act of family tensions simmering just beneath the surface.

But people can take steps now to limit the holiday stress, says University of Michigan psychology professor Stephanie Preston.

“Give yourself and others grace,” she said. “It’s fine to laugh when things go awry. We’ve all seen the perfect Hallmark family gathering, but those are fictional. Real life is complicated and messy. We’re all human and need to savor the moment.”

One way to keep the stress at bay is to set an intention for the day or week, said Preston, who admits that she tries to keep her expectations reasonable while hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for family. To keep things relaxed, each person contributes a dish (even the kids), the dress code is casual, the start time is flexible, and we end with a short walk and some games.

“What do you most want to get out of the holiday? Most people want to be present and thankful while spending time with loved ones more than they want to craft the perfectly browned turkey or decorative tablescape,” Preston said.

Can you provide communication strategies that can be effective in dealing with difficult conversations or conflicts among family members?

Family members who don’t agree or get along—particularly in divisive political time—can be a major source of stress for everyone. In advance, consider what issues might arise and how you will deal with them. Aim to focus on sharing food and thanks above resolving long-held differences. Some families cannot talk about politics without a fight, so know your limits.

Even if it seems satisfying to get off that snide remark, it’s better to have a few phrases ready that can quickly deflect negativity while honoring your feelings. Have an ally at the event or someone you can text or call when your patience wears thin. Just knowing someone understands how you feel and has your back will extend your patience. Remember, we cannot control other people or how they view the world—and the Thanksgiving table might not be the place to try even if we could. But we can control our contribution to the holiday spirit

How important is it to set boundaries during holiday gatherings, and what are some polite ways to establish them?

Boundaries are essential for maintaining your sanity but can increase conflict if not done right. Consider any boundaries you need and alert people in advance so they know what to expect, e.g., you’ll take a long walk each day or go to bed early. As long as you genuinely make time for the essentials (find out when dinner is before setting your schedule), people usually don’t mind. No need to explain yourself. If pressed, just keep it simple with something like, “I just find it helps me feel like myself.”

For people who feel lonely or isolated during the holidays, what can they do to feel more connected?
The important thing about a holiday is to rest, fill your soul and connect with people you care about. Not everyone has the picture-perfect family that gathers around a huge table though. People are often geographically displaced from family or do not have much family to speak of. Others use isolation as a way to deal with anxiety or stress and need to counter this instinct in order to enjoy the festivities. Remember that it really doesn’t matter who you spend time with or how you connect.

Friendsgivings are popular alternatives. If you are not invited to a meal, consider asking someone else who is isolated to join you. Even if you eat takeout alone on a holiday, try to plan another way to connect, like volunteering, attending a service or public event, going to a movie, or calling a friend. Research shows that loneliness damages our physical and mental health. It feels good to help and connect with people—even strangers. Push yourself a little bit to let some of that magic of human connection in, however you can.

How can individuals balance the desire to spend time with family and friends with the need to have some personal downtime?

It all comes down to balance, and each person is different. The key is to give enough space in your heart, mind and calendar to savor the togetherness of a holiday, without making yourself crazy or exhausted. Knowing your own body and mind, how much sleep, exercise or downtime do you need? It’s not rude to step away or miss some things, as long as you let people know, express your appreciation, and are present when you are together. It’s easier to set a plan early than to wiggle out of something in the moment.

How can people avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms?

Unhealthy coping mechanisms are trouble even in good times, but can spiral during holidays. People are pushed out of their comfort zones, set high expectations, and interact with many more people. Drinking excessively is a common one, as people rely on the social lubricant, give themselves something to do during uncertain moments and recover from stress. Avoiding people is another coping strategy. Most coping mechanisms are fine in moderation and may provide some benefits. But when your desire to drink, take drugs, shop, eat or avoid people undermines your own goal of enjoying the holiday, it’s time to adjust. Find a friend or relative who gets your issue and let them help you navigate your choices. If you need, call a crisis hotline to tell someone how you feel or ask for help.